


Queer Eye for the SG-1

by tafkar



Category: Queer Eye for the Straight Guy RPF, Stargate SG-1
Genre: Crack, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-29
Updated: 2013-09-29
Packaged: 2017-12-27 21:45:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,103
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/983966
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tafkar/pseuds/tafkar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Colonel O'Neill calls in the guys from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy to make Teal'c over. It's full of angst, and horror, and hot sex...okay, no it's not.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Queer Eye for the SG-1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Adina_atl (Adina)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Adina/gifts).



> This is the first SG-1 fic I ever wrote! Come to think of it, it may be the first fic I ever wrote. Unabashed and unapologetic crack.
> 
> 'Round about the tenth anniversary of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, it seems appropriate to post this story. Ah, 2003! The fashions! The fandoms! No one's going to get the Tru Calling reference embedded in here.
> 
> Written for Adina Atl upon her request in the LiveJournal community Fan the Vote. I was a fan of Queer Eye at the time but I had never actually watched an episode of Stargate. My mom and my then-husband were fans and I would study while they watched it every Friday night. I spent a week mainlining the series and (with their help and input) wrote this story. And that's what got me hooked on Stargate.
> 
> Disclaimer: I know, it's the dreaded Script Format. Waah. I own neither Stargate nor Queer Eye. Heck, I don't even rent them. I just took them out for coffee, or something. Although if someone can send the Fab Five over to redo me and my house, and then send over Teal'c and Daniel, shirtless, to feed me peeled grapes, that would be OK.

Five fashionably dressed men hop into a black SUV, and start driving.  
   
INT: the FabFivemobile  
   
TED:  
Our straight guy's name is Murray Teal'c.  
   
Black-and-white picture of Teal'c. It's almost a mug shot.  
   
CARSON:  
Ooooo, muscles.  
   
TED:  
Murray's a military man. It  
says here he's...90?  
   
THOM:  
Must be a typo.  
   
CARSON:  
Or he's got the kind of surgeon I  
would _die_ for.  
   
TED:  
Anyway, he used to fight for  
some sort of militia in another  
country. That’s why he’s got the  
big scar on his forehead. His wife  
died...  
   
THOM, KYAN, CARSON, JAI:  
Aaaaaaaawwwww...  
   
TED:  
And he defected and wound up  
in a US special forces  
organization. He's good at his  
job, but his friends say he just  
doesn't quite get American culture.  
   
JAI:  
That's my job.  
   
KYAN:  
Today’s secret mission is to  
FIX THIS MAN UP!  
   
CARSON, TED, THOM, JAI:  
Sir, yes, sir!  
   
EXT: FabFiveMobile  
The car roars on. We see it from the outside; somehow, in the course of the conversation, it got from downtown Manhattan to Stargate Command.  
   
And now...the THEME SONG! As some chick sings about "all things keep getting better," the Fab Five each pick up their chosen implements of destruction and march down some New York City boulevard that is miraculously free of traffic. Obviously, this is some special Alternate Gay Universe.  
   
The guys pull in to Stargate Command, hop out of the SUV, and run down the halls. Their usual background music starts playing...DA da da da da DA da da da da DA da da da...and they crowd around Teal'c's door. Carson knocks. The door opens.  
   
CARSON:  
We're the Pink Berets, and we're  
on a very important mission.  
   
Teal'c raises one eyebrow. The Fab Five push into his room and begin going through his stuff.  
   
THOM:  
(Picks up a candle.)  
Did you buy out Pier One's  
entire supply of candles?  
   
Freeze frame: Tom has a candle to his nose.. Text below: THOM - DESIGN. Film begins moving again. Thom shakes his head.  
   
THOM:  
This military-meets-ashram look  
has just GOT to go. Does this  
make sense to you?  
   
INT. Closet.  
CARSON is wearing one of TEAL’C’s hats. It’s a baseball cap with a slot for a beer can on either side, and straws going down to the mouth – probably bought for TEAL’C by O’NEILL. CARSON, of course, has bottles of Evian in each slot. He pulls a stack of Hawaiian shirts from the closet. Goes through them, throwing each on the floor.  
   
CARSON:  
Polyester, polyester, polyester,  
polyester.  
   
Freeze frame: Carson staring in wide-eyed horror at the label on a shirt, with the straws from both sides of the hat in his mouth. Tex t below: CARSON - FASHION. Film begins moving again.  
   
CARSON:  
Now we know why there's an oil  
shortage - it all went into making  
Murray's shirts.  
   
INT: Bedroom  
TED:  
(To Teal'c)  
Now, I'm told you've never  
cooked before.  
   
TEAL'C:  
I have not.  
   
TED:  
Have you ever boiled water?  
   
TEAL'C:  
No. I have not.  
   
Freeze frame on Ted's shocked face. Text below: TED - FOOD. Film begins moving again.  
   
TED:  
Have you ever unwrapped a Pop  
Tart?  
   
INT: Gate Room  
THOM and CARSON carry TEAL'C's bed up the ramp toward the Stargate. The Stargate is doing its whole "wooo, I look like a swimming pool on its side but I'm really a gateway to another dimension" thing. THOM and CARSON throw TEAL'C's bed through the Stargate.  
   
CARSON:  
(Dusting off hands)  
Your taxpayer dollars at work.  
   
THOM and CARSON walk back down the ramp, past DANIEL, who looks appalled. Above them, in the CONTROL BOOTH, SAM is at the computer and JACK is standing over her shoulder, smiling. He inclines his head towards the Stargate, which closes.  
   
INT: TEAL'C's bathroom.  
   
KYAN is looking around.  
   
KYAN:  
He cleans. I could eat off his tub!  
Let's hear it for military discipline.  
   
He goes through the cabinets.  
   
KYAN:  
One bar of Ivory soap?  
   
Freeze on Kyan pressing the bar of soap to his forehead with a pained expression. Text below: KYAN - GROOMING. Film begins moving again.  
   
KYAN:  
Ivory soap is not the Swiss Army  
Knife of cleaning products!  
   
INT: A corner of TEAL'C's room.  
JAI is looking at TEAL’C’s staff weapon.  
   
JAI:  
What is he, a military majorette?  
   
JAI picks up the staff weapon, which is taller than he is, and begins twirling it like a baton. Just as he’s about to hit himself over the head with it…Freeze frame. Text below: JAI - CULTURE. His face is scrunched up, preparing for the blow. Film begins moving again. He whacks himself in the forehead, and while trying to recover, drops the staff weapon, knocking over some candles. A quick burst of energy scorches the wall.  
   
JAI:  
(Talking to himself):  
Oh, crud, oh, crud, Jai, don’t  
destroy the straight guy’s  
bedroom…  
   
INT: A table in the corner of TEAL’C’s room.  
   
TED is sitting with THOM and TEAL'C around the table.  
   
TED:  
So, Murray, let's talk a little bit  
about what your goals are.  
   
TEAL'C:  
Colonel O'Neill has suggested  
that I take this opportunity to  
familiarize myself with various  
aspects of American culture.  
He also said that I could learn  
how people here show each other  
that they are appreciated.  
   
THOM:  
Well, that's what Colonel O'Neill  
thinks. What do YOU  
think?  
   
   
TEAL'C:  
I would like to be able to be able to  
blend out with the crowd.  
   
JAI enters with KYAN and CARSON.  
   
JAI:  
Well, first, we're gonna have to  
work on your use of the English  
language. That's "blend in."  
   
TEAL'C:  
(Inclining his head)  
I look forward to the lesson,  
Jai.  
   
TED:  
You're so polite! My mom  
would absolutely love him.  
   
CARSON:  
(Wearing one of TEAL'C's jackets, which is way too big, yet looks FABulous.)  
Yeah. We'll fix THAT by  
the end of the day. All right,  
boys, if we're going to make  
over this mountain of a man,  
we've got to get moving! Thom,  
Jai, you hold the fort. We're  
going out to raid and pillage for  
supplies.  
(To TEAL'C)  
Stand up, soldier! And  
MARCH!  
(Walking out the door)  
Hup two three four, hup two  
three four.  
   
INT: Hallway  
   
CARSON:  
(singing)  
I don't know but I heard tell  
   
KYAN, TED:  
I don't know but I heard tell  
   
CARSON:  
There’s some straight men,  
dress like hell  
   
KYAN, TED:  
There’s some straight men,  
dress like hell.  
   
KYAN, TED, CARSON and TEAL'C run to the Fabmobile and hop in.  
   
EXT: Armani Exchange.  
   
TEAL’C is wearing a baseball cap and a safety orange tank top (probably given to him by O’NEILL). CARSON has a blue and white striped Oxford shirt on, sleeves perfectly zhuzhed, and his sunglasses are pushed up on top of his head.  
   
CARSON:  
(Patting TEAL'C's arm.)  
I get first dibs.  
(Pausing, squeezes TEALC's arm.)  
Oooo, Murray, you work out.  
   
TEAL'C  
It is important to maintain a  
rigorous physical regimen in  
order to perform my duties  
properly.  
   
CARSON:  
That's why I do ten laps around  
the mall every day.  
(Leads TEAL'C through the store)  
Now, looking through your  
closet, it's apparent that you  
aren't afraid of color, but - well,  
you know what's different about  
shopping here?  
   
TEAL'C:  
It is significantly more expensive.  
   
CARSON:  
EXACTLY. But clothes aren’t  
just made to cover your body.  
They’re also designed to  
accentuate your assets, and express  
your personality.  
(Pulls out a blue-and white patterned shirt.)  
For example, someone seeing you  
in a shirt like this would never  
imagine that you have no sense of  
humor.  
   
TEAL’C:  
Among my people, I am known  
as having a tremendous sense of  
humor.  
   
CARSON:  
When you were a little kid, you  
were the class cut-up?  
   
TEAL’C:  
We did not learn to cut people up  
until we were somewhat older,  
Carson.  
   
CARSON:  
(Stares at TEAL’C for a moment.Mutters.)  
Talk about a straight man.  
   
CARSON turns to rack, which has an assortment of clothes.  
   
CARSON:  
Now, when you pick out clothes,  
you’re deciding what you want  
other people to think of you.  
When you wear your uniform,  
you’re sending out a message…  
   
He turns around, holding a pair of cream khaki pants and a deep red knit V-neck shirt.  
   
CARSON:  
And that message is…scary and  
intimidating. It seems like you  
want to be more approachable  
after work.  
   
TEAL’C  
I wish to be unobtrusive, yet welcoming.  
   
CARSON:  
(looking TEAL’C over)  
Unobtrusive, huh?  
(Aside)  
Straight people are so weird!  
   
Montage.  
TEAL’C proceeds to model several different outfits. There are several knit shirts that cling and show off his muscles, all in deep jewel tones, sometimes worn with casual slacks, sometimes with jeans. There’s one muscle shirt, in white, with a funky arty silkscreen. There’s one brightly patterned oxford shirt, well-fitted, tossed on over a knit shirt and tucked in the front of his pants (but not the back). There’s a black blazer in a trendy single-breasted cut. Coordinated with all of these are a series of hats that match the outfits; with the blazer he has a fedora, with the muscle shirt a knit cap.  
   
EXT: Armani Exchange  
   
CARSON and TEAL’C leave the store. THOM is waiting outside.  
   
CARSON:  
Now, Thom is gonna take you  
out and make your place more of  
a home and less of a foxhole.  
   
EXT: Recreation Furniture  
   
TEAL’C and THOM are jogging into a furniture store. THOM opens the door for TEAL’C and looks for a moment as though he might pass out from exhaustion. Close up on the store’s sign: Recreation Furniture.  
   
THOM:  
(Breathing heavily)  
You’re in pretty good shape, big  
fella.  
(beat)  
When we talked, you said you  
wanted to go for something a  
little more eclectic, a little more  
Middle Eastern feeling, and that’s  
something local boutique furniture  
stores do better than the big chains.  
Recreation Furniture has a lot  
of great pieces that will give you  
a unique flavor without being  
overwhelming.  
   
They walk through the store. THOM gestures at a reproduction of a carving of Osiris.  
   
THOM:  
Now, what do you think about  
this statue of. . .  
(beat )  
an Egyptian god?  
   
TEAL’C:  
(Abruptly and forcefully)  
He is Osiris. And I do not like  
that particular idol, Thom.  
   
THOM:  
Too big?  
   
TEAL’C:  
(Speaking carefully)  
I prefer images of Egyptian life  
to those of Egyptian deities.  
   
THOM:  
See, preferences like that are a  
great guide to help you decorate  
your apartment, so you don’t  
get lost in a place like this. Let’s  
take a look at a few other things.  
   
Montage.  
TEAL’C sits on several beds, looks at tables and lamps as THOM questions him. TEAL’C seems to be expressing some specifics about what he does and does not like.  
   
THOM:  
Okay, I’m going to hand you off  
to Kyan.  
   
INT: A doctor’s office.  
   
KYAN and TEAL’C sit next to each other. KYAN is also wearing a tanktop; the two men are playing a pretty fierce game of Duelling Hot Shoulders and Biceps. Viewers salivate. KYAN speaks in his “I’m talking like I’m in a library to show I’m sensitive to your issues” voice. TEAL’C is not wearing his baseball cap.  
   
KYAN:  
Now, I understand you’ve had  
that scar on your forehead for  
quite a long time.  
   
TEAL’C:  
Yes. It was a symbol of the…  
group I fought with.  
   
KYAN:  
That scar is something that’s  
very distinct about you, but I get  
the impression from the hats you  
wear that it also makes you  
uncomfortable.  
   
TEAL’C reaches up to touch the brand, then stops just before his fingers brush against it  
   
TEAL’C:  
It shows distinctly that I am  
very different from other people  
here. People who do not know  
me often stare.  
   
DR. MALCOLM WALSH enters.  
   
KYAN:  
Dr. Malcolm Walsh is an  
excellent plastic surgeon. He's  
going to talk to you about your  
options.  
Montage - DR. WALSH looks over TEAL'C's scar.  
   
DR. WALSH:  
I've developed a new technique  
that uses lasers. I can't get rid of  
your scar entirely, but with a  
combination of lasers and  
silicone sheets, I can reduce it to  
a point where it is much more  
subtle.  
(Off TEALC's face. He looks interested.)  
It would take a series of  
treatments, but I think you'd see a  
big difference.  
   
EXT: Your basic Colorado resort town yuppie grocery store.  
   
TED:  
Now, I understand you've never  
really cooked before, so for this  
dinner for your friends, most of  
the stuff is gonna be catered. But  
I wanted you to make something  
yourself for dessert, and since  
you're a guy who's no stranger to  
peril, I thought we'd make  
something that has very simple  
ingredients, but includes an  
element of danger.  
   
TEAL'C:  
I have heard of your fugu - the  
fish that are poisonous if not  
prepared properly.  
   
TED:  
Not THAT dangerous, big guy.  
I'm just talking about something  
that involves a little bit of fire.  
   
They enter the grocery store. TED is talking as fast as a chipmunk on crystal meth (as per usual).  
   
TED:  
Now, the important thing when  
you're making dessert is the  
ingredients - they'll make or  
break your food.  
   
They walk to the ice cream section. TED continues. It's a good thing TEAL'C is a quiet guy.  
   
TED:  
A lot of people think that vanilla  
ice cream is dull, but it's probably  
because they've had cheap, fake  
vanilla. Real vanilla comes from...  
   
TEAL'C:  
It is an edible orchid, is it not?  
   
TED:  
(Actually pausing, for once)  
Yes. Exactly! It's one of the  
most expensive ingredients in  
the world, because it takes three  
years to grow one pod. It was also  
known as an aphrodisiac to the  
Spanish.  
   
Thousands of fan girls fantasize about TEAL'C and DANIEL dripping vanilla ice cream on each other and licking it off.  
   
TED:  
One of the best vanilla ice creams  
is actually Bryer's All Natural.  
You can taste the vanilla in it.  
   
Montage.  
TEAL'C and TED look at food. TED talks, and TEAL'C nods in that way he has that makes you think he's taking it all in, but he's actually probably thinking of how he'd defend himself if an attack came from all four sides.  
   
EXT: the grocery store  
   
JAI is waiting.  
   
TED:  
Now we're going to walk with  
Jai, who has diabolical plans for  
you.  
   
JAI:  
(With a little smile.)  
Come on, Murray. Let's walk.  
   
The three of them walk down the street and up the stairs to an empty dance studio, where CARSON is waiting.  
   
JAI:  
Now, Murray, you come from a  
culture that is obviously very  
different from the one you're in  
now.  
   
TEAL'C:  
Extremely.  
   
JAI:  
I get that. My family is  
(JAI goes into his "downtown" voice and stance)  
Puerto Rican, an' you know,  
growin' up in da barrio is real  
different from  
(JAI slips into his "refined" attitude)  
interacting with directors and  
writers. Each of them requires a  
slightly different persona. I'm  
the same person inside, but I  
change the way I talk a little in  
order to make the people around  
me more comfortable. Now,  
Murray, you're kind of an...  
imposing guy.  
   
CARSON:  
And your small talk is a little too  
small...like nonexistent.  
   
TEAL'C:  
Conversation is useful to impart  
information. I do not understand  
the purpose of “talking  
diminutively.”  
   
JAI:  
SMALL talk is a way to make  
other people feel comfortable,  
and also to make them feel like  
you care about them. You're  
very direct, and while that's good  
in a military situation, it can  
make people feel a little uneasy  
in a social situation. In our  
culture, being terse with someone  
sends a message that you don't  
want them around.  
   
TEAL'C:  
I had not considered that  
possibility.  
   
JAI:  
Well, there's a few ways you can  
change that. You might start by  
asking people open-ended  
questions about their jobs or  
hobbies. Small-talk  
conversations are definitely NOT  
the place to discuss religion or  
politics, 'cause those are topics  
that people tend to be both  
passionate and divided about.  
And…  
(JAI gets that “little boy” grin on his face)  
Just so you can get in the swing  
of things, we thought we’d do a  
little role play, which is why  
Carson and Ted are here. They’re  
going to play different kinds of  
people, so you can practice your  
small talk.  
   
TEAL’C:  
(Squaring his shoulders)  
I will endeavor to accomplish  
this to the best of my abilities,  
Jai.  
   
CARSON:  
You’re supposed to pretend  
you’re going to a social event,  
not into a pitched battle.  
   
JAI:  
Let’s start by relaxing a little bit.  
Take a deep breath…  
   
JAI and TEAL’C take deep breaths.  
   
JAI:  
Shake out some tension…  
   
JAI bounces a little, and shakes his shoulders out. TEAL’C does something similar, but it’s with military precision.  
   
JAI:  
Okay. The first thing is, when  
you go to greet someone, you  
should smile.  
   
JAI reaches his hand out for a handshake, and smiles.  
   
JAI:  
Hi, I’m Jai. It’s nice to meet  
you! How are you enjoying the  
party?  
   
TEAL’C smiles back. It looks somewhat menacing.  
   
JAI:  
Okay, that’s a start. But if I ask  
you a question like that, you  
should respond, and in a way  
that gives the other person an  
opening to continue the  
conversation. See, conversation  
is like playing a game. It’s like I  
have the ball, and I throw it to  
you. If your answer isn’t  
something that I can really  
respond to, it’s like you’re not  
throwing the ball back to me.  
   
TEAL’C:  
(Looking just slightly confused)  
If my response is incorrect, it is  
as if I am holding the ball and  
you must take it back by force?  
   
JAI:  
You got it. Or the person may  
decide to find someone else to  
play ball with.  
   
TEAL’C:  
This is all EXTREMELY  
interesting.  
   
JAI:  
So, you ready to practice?  
   
TEAL’C gives a brief nod.  
   
JAI:  
Why don’t you go introduce  
yourself to Carson?  
   
Montage.  
TEAL’C goes between the Fab 3, working on his social skills. The boys, in return, take on different characters, and JAI calls out coaching comments throughout. At one point, TEAL’C even…laughs!  
   
JAI:  
Okay. I think that’s a good start.  
Let’s head home so you can see  
what Thom did to your place.  
   
On screen: Shot of TEAL’C opening the door to his quarters. Text over: COMING UP  
   
TEAL’C:  
(Both eyebrows are raised)  
Thom, this is most impressive!  
   
*****  
ADVERTISEMENTS  
AD 1  
   
INT: Home office.  
A pretty woman is going through a sheaf of papers.  
   
WOMAN:  
I thought starting my own  
business would be easy, but I  
swear, these people want me to  
sign my life away!  
   
V.O.:  
Having trouble making sense of  
contracts? Turn to us for advice.  
   
EXT: a sign in front of a large office building reads “Wolfram and Hart”.  
   
V.O.:  
Wolfram and Hart has branches  
in major cities across the globe,  
and in more than a dozen  
alternate dimensions, to cater to  
your every legal need.  
   
INT: boardroom. Several young lawyers are grouped around an older, white-haired man – apparently a mentor figure – in an intense discussion.  
   
V.O.:  
If divorce court, contracts, or  
lawsuits are making you feel  
like you need to sign your soul  
away, look no further than  
Wolfram and Hart!  
   
Lawyers look up and smile. Wolfram and Hart logo appears, along with a 1-800 number.  
   
AD 2  
   
EXT: A suburban backyard.  
   
A mother is pushing her child on a swing. She turns and faces the camera.  
   
WOMAN:  
The power company down the  
road was putting so many toxins  
in the air that my children  
couldn’t come out to play. I kept  
calling our local officials, but no  
one seemed to care. Then  
Representative Greg Stillson  
started speaking up for me.  
   
INT: Greg Stillson’s office.  
   
He is on the phone. He looks official.  
   
WOMAN (V.O.):  
Representative Stillson got that  
power company to clean up their  
act. He’s done a great job for the  
state of Maine, and I know he  
could do a great job for our  
country.  
   
EXT: A park, rugged and rural.  
   
Stillson stands in front of a flag.  
   
STILLSON:  
Our children are the most  
important resource we have. I  
pledge to do whatever it takes to  
protect them. I approved this ad  
because we have to protect our  
natural resources.  
   
He is joined by four children, two boys and two girls, one African-American, one red-haired, one blonde and blue-eyed and one Asian-American.  
   
STILLSON:  
All of them.  
   
Zoom in on flag.  
   
Over flag: Stillson for President  
   
VO:  
Paid for by the Stillson for President committee.  
   
AD 3  
   
EXT: A mountain road.  
   
A very hot sportscar rounds a tight corner on a pine-tree-lined mountain road at high speed.  
   
VO:  
What you get out of your  
vehicle…  
   
The car speeds around another corner.  
   
VO:  
…hinges on what you put into it.  
   
The car speeds around yet another corner. The camera zooms in, closer…and then we get a view of the engine.  
   
VO:  
LexOil’s patented formula keeps  
your engine running smoothly,  
and protects against wear and tear.  
Use it,  
   
The car speeds around another curve. This is, apparently, a very curvy road.  
   
VO:  
and your car will go through  
every twist –  
   
And yet another curve!  
   
VO:  
And turn that life throws at you.  
Anything less and…  
   
A clunking noise. The car slows to a halt. Cut to the driver – only his eyes – going wide.  
Screeching noise. Screen goes black. LexOil logo appears.  
   
VO:  
…who knows what could  
happen?  
   
AD 4  
   
INT: A Chicago apartment, full of geeky toys and the Fab Five.  
   
JAI holds an old-fashioned sword, awkwardly.  
   
V.O.:  
Next week, the Fab Five go to  
battle to fix a geeky morgue  
attendant.  
   
Shot of a slightly plump guy, with shaggy brown hair and a full beard, in a lab coat.  
   
V.O.:  
But is there anything they can  
do…  
   
Shot of KYAN, both palms on a bathroom counter, lowering his head as if in grief or defeat.  
   
V.O.:  
...to bring his DOA fashion  
sense…  
   
TED and THOM shake their heads sadly over the unnamed, unidentifiable contents of a plate.  
   
V.O.:  
…back to life?  
   
CARSON stands in front of the STRAIGHT GUY’s closet.  
   
CARSON:  
I see nerdy people. They’re  
everywhere!  
   
Queer Eye logo and picture  
   
V.O.:  
Find out on the next Queer Eye.  
   
AD 5  
   
EXT: A nearly deserted beach.  
   
Carribean music plays, but very slowly; it’s almost a dirge. A man is lying on a towel, a white streak of zinc oxide on his nose, wearing a pair of ill-fitting bathing trunks. His eyes are closed. His dog puts its head up, looks around, then drops it down again, looking dejected. The man gropes around for something.  
   
CLOSEUP: His hand is reaching for a can of soda. It’s obviously intended to be Coke, even if it is styled differently so as to avoid their ravaging lawyers, possibly hired from one of the less ethical branches of Wolfram and Hart.  
   
The dog sees the man reaching for the soda, and looks around again. He sees a cooler at the next beach towel, half open. He runs over, lunges in, and pulls out a can of Blue Sun cola. The can clamped firmly in his teeth, he runs back to his owner and places it in his owner’s hand. His owner cracks open the can with a loud noise, and suddenly…  
   
EXT: Same beach, now crowded with beautiful people.  
   
It’s a party! The music turns peppy. There’s a volleyball game going on behind him. Three girls in bikini tops and grass skirts hula-dance by. The man on the blanket is now surrounded by beautiful women, all of whom have a can of Blue Sun in one hand. The man grins, and raises a can to his dog, who is being petted by a fourth beautiful woman in a bikini.  
   
Long shot of the beach. Logo.  
   
V.O.:  
Drink Blue Sun. Just drink it.  
   
*****  
   
Back to the show. It's our "Talk Trash" segment, where they get the victim...er, straight guy's... friends to talk about him in front of a plain white background.  
   
O'NEILL:  
Teal'c believes in small talk.  
(Beat.)  
VERY ****small talk.  
   
BRA’TAC  
Teal’c is a great warrior, strong  
and fiercely loyal.  
   
CARTER:  
He gets things done without a  
lot of chatter.  
   
BRA’TAC  
But he is sometimes …  
(brief pause)  
difficult to converse with.  
   
O'NEILL:  
Microscopic talk.  
   
DANIEL:  
Well, Teal'c...he's from a very  
different culture. They don't see  
the need to make people  
comfortable through  
conversation - their goal when  
they converse is to use it as a  
means to an end.  
   
O'NEILL:  
In fact, I think some might call  
it subatomic talk.  
(Beat. Leans forward.)  
It's not detectable by any  
technology we currently have.  
   
HAMMOND:  
I order you to help this soldier.  
   
INT: Hallway.  
   
CARSON, TED and JAI are leading TEAL'C down the hall. They cover his eyes.  
   
CARSON:  
Just wait until you see what  
Thom did.  
   
The door opens. They uncover his eyes. TEAL'C's jaw drops in surprise. Shot of the room. It is done in a somewhat bohemian/Egyptian style. It still has many candles, but has lost the military style in favor of something more Middle Eastern.  
   
TEAL’C:  
(Both eyebrows are raised.)  
Thom, this is most impressive!  
   
THOM:  
I wanted to take something that  
you were interested in and use it  
as the basis for the whole room.  
The military thing was efficient,  
but it didn't look like home.  
Besides the candles, there didn't  
seem to be much of your  
personality here.  
   
TEAL'C:  
This...this is...I am very surprised.  
   
CARSON:  
(Patting him on the shoulder)  
Murray, you're so emotive it  
brings a tear to my eye.  
   
THOM:  
Since you’re in such a small  
space, I tried to make sure  
everything did double-duty. I’ve  
put some drawers here under  
your bed so you can have a place  
to store things. And this cabinet  
here…  
   
He walks over to a cabinet that is in a very dark wood, with a rustic, rough-hewn look. He opens the doors.  
   
THOM:  
See, you’ve got shelves to put  
anything you need to work with,  
and then this one pulls out…  
   
He pulls.  
   
THOM:  
And it becomes a desk! You  
can just pull this side chair over  
so you can work here, and when  
you don’t want to work, it’s gone.  
   
The camera pans around the room.  
   
THOM:  
With all the extra space we  
created, I squeezed in a table for  
you.  
   
There’s a low table next to the wall.  
   
THOM:  
You can pull it out when you  
have people over, and fold up  
the leaf and put it off to the side  
when you don’t need it. I also  
got these ottomans – they’re  
great for extra seating, and you  
can just slide them under the bed  
when you don’t need them.  
   
And now, the part of the show where the straight guy gets a lecture from each of Our Heroes.  
   
INT: The bathroom.  
   
KYAN:  
It's obvious that you take great  
care of yourself. You're in  
phenomenal shape, and you're  
aging really well. But you're  
not going to stay that way  
forever. Now would be a good  
time to start using product to  
keep the tone you have.  
   
Pulls out little tubes  
   
KYAN:  
Now, these are a lot of products  
from Kiehl's. They're a very old  
skin-care company, and they  
make great stuff.  
   
Puts the first tube next to the sink.  
   
KYAN:  
This facial soap is much less  
harsh than the Ivory soap you've  
been using. It will keep your  
face clean without drying out  
your skin. You should use it  
every morning. The skin on the  
top of your head is also a lot  
closer in texture to the skin on  
your face than to your skin  
everywhere else. It’s much  
more delicate. You should use  
this in the shower to wash your  
head, instead of Ivory soap.  
   
Puts out the next tube.  
   
KYAN:  
This is a really light moisturizer.  
Put it on after you shave. It will  
keep your skin from aging.  
   
At this point, TEAL'C looks a little alarmed.  
   
KYAN:  
It's a pretty easy regimen, and  
it's a good way to keep yourself  
looking young.  
   
INT: TEAL’C’s room.  
   
It’s fashion-show time!  
   
CARSON:  
So, I picked out a bunch of things  
that you can wear when you’re  
off duty. We saw from looking  
through your closet that you  
weren’t afraid of color.  
   
THOM:  
Or polyester.  
   
CARSON:  
Which I’m terrified of. What  
we have here are things in cotton  
and linen – things that will  
breathe and be a little more  
comfortable for you.  
   
TEAL’C tries on several outfits. There’s the casual wear of a more traditional muscle shirt (as opposed to a tank top) with jeans and a pair of low brown boots; a blue and white boldly patterned shirt, with sleeves that are appropriately zhuzhed, and white cotton pants; a deep red knit shirt that tightly hugs TEAL’C’s torso, along with some brown tailored pants and shiny loafers.  
   
CARSON:  
So, see, you’ve still got your  
color, but in a way that’s much  
more attractive and shows off  
your assets.  
   
THOM:  
I think those jeans really showed  
off his “ass-ets”.  
CARSON:  
Murray, how do you feel about  
these outfits?  
   
TEAL’C:  
They seem comfortable and  
sturdy.  
(Quickly, off Carson’s annoyed look.)  
And very attractive.  
   
CARSON:  
(patting TEAL’C on the shoulder)  
Look! You’ve had your first  
lesson in aesthetic appreciation!  
   
CUT TO:  
   
INT: TEAL’C’s bedroom, a few minutes later.  
   
TEAL’C and JAI are sitting on TEAL’C’s bed.  
   
JAI:  
Now, we did a lot of role-playing  
today to learn about things like  
small talk and how to make  
people feel more comfortable.  
It’s something that’s gonna take  
a lot of practice before it feels  
really natural, though.  
   
TEAL’C:  
I wish for my companions to feel  
more comfortable with me, and  
to feel as if I have an interest in  
them. I want them to be able to  
take their hair off when they are  
around me.  
   
JAI:  
(Smiling)  
   
The phrase we use is actually “let  
your hair down”. But I brought  
you something I think will help  
you out with all of this.  
   
He picks up two books from the night table.  
   
JAI:  
This is “Loose Cannons, Red  
Herrings and Other Lost  
Metaphors”. This other book is  
“Heavens to Betsy and Other  
Curious Sayings.” It’s by  
Charles Funk, who was the  
editor of the Funk and Wagnalls  
dictionary. Both of them tell you  
what all those phrases we use  
mean, and it also tells you where  
they come from. I think if you  
learned where they come from,  
they might be easier for you to  
remember.  
   
TEAL’C:  
(Taking the books.)  
Thank you, Jai. I will study  
these carefully.  
INT: A kitchen. Somewhat industrial-looking, probably a smaller kitchen on the base.  
   
TEAL’C is standing with TED.  
   
TED:  
Now, I wanted you to make something for dessert that was simple, but also had an element of danger to it. Bananas  
Foster is a traditional New  
Orleans dessert, and it’s not  
tough to make, but it looks really  
impressive. And it involves fire,  
which looking around your room  
seems to be something that you  
like. You ready to try it?  
   
TEAL’C:  
(Nodding)  
I am ready to learn from you, Ted.  
   
TED:  
Okay, great. What you’re gonna  
do is put a quarter stick of butter,  
a cup of brown sugar, and a half  
teaspoon of cinnamon in this  
skillet here.  
   
Puts them in.  
   
TED:  
Next, we put it over low heat.  
We’re doing this over the stove,  
but when you do it for your  
friends, you can use one of those  
little Sterno cans that the military  
gives you and cook it at the  
dining room table. Now, we stir  
this until the butter melts and the  
sugar dissolves.  
   
Pours in fluid from a mysterious bottle.  
   
TED:  
Next we toss in some of this  
banana liqueur we bought earlier,  
and toss some bananas into the  
pan.  
   
He places sliced bananas around the edge of the pan.  
   
TED:  
After a minute, the banana will  
start to turn brown, and that’s  
when you want to throw in your  
rum. Now, you gotta be careful  
with this stuff. If you pour it  
outside the pan, you could wind  
up with a pretty nasty explosion.  
   
TEAL’C:  
(Looking impressed)  
I was not aware that your culture  
cooked with explosives.  
   
TED:  
Really, it’s just a New Orleans  
thing.  
   
TEAL’C:  
The people of this New Orleans  
must be mighty warriors indeed.  
   
TED:  
I think they’re just too drunk to  
realize the danger.  
   
TED pours the rum into the pan.  
   
TED:  
We cook the sauce for a minute  
while the rum heats up. Now,  
here’s the cool part.  
   
TEAL’C leans over the pan, watching.  
   
TED:  
You’re gonna want to back off  
for this.  
   
TEAL’C takes a step back. TED tilts the pan a little, and…  
   
FOOM! A giant gout of flame leaps up from the pan.  
   
TEAL’C rocks back a little on his heels. He is impressed enough that he is raising both eyebrows. He’s having an emotive day.  
   
TEAL’C:  
That is a dish I will be proud to  
prepare.  
   
TED:  
Glad you like it. Once the fire  
goes out, we just use our spatula  
to put a couple of bananas on top  
of the ice cream here…  
   
He puts the bananas on top of pre-prepared dishes of vanilla ice cream.  
   
TED:  
And then we spoon the sauce  
over everything. It’s absolutely  
DELICIOUS. It’s not hard to make,  
but your friends are gonna be  
astounded by it. And speaking of  
people we should astound…  
   
He turns to call out.  
   
TED:  
Hey, guys! Get in here!  
   
CARSON, THOM, KYAN and JAI enter. TED hands everyone dessert. There is lots of “mmm”ing over the Bananas Foster.  
   
TEAL’C:  
All of you have given me great  
assistance today. I have learned  
a great deal about many things,  
and I thank you very much for  
sharing your knowledge with me.  
   
He does a little half-bow.  
   
TEAL’C:  
I am in your debt.  
   
THOM:  
Wow, Murray. That was  
really…verbose for you!  
   
CARSON:  
Our little Murray has started  
talking. I think I’m gonna cry.  
   
TED:  
Well, you can do it in the car,  
because we need to get moving  
if he’s gonna get everything  
ready for his friends tonight.  
   
Much handshaking of TEAL’C’s grasping-forearm variety and wishing of luck. The Fab 5 depart, and TEAL’C looks around himself for a moment, and squares his shoulders.  
   
INT: The Fab Loft.  
   
TED has just mixed up some swirly cocktails, and the rest of the boys are entering through the Fab Freight Elevator. The drinks are blue and wavey, and look a bit like the Stargate when it’s active.  
   
CARSON:  
Let’s see if our little soldier  
graduated from Gay Boot Camp.  
   
KYAN  
That reminds me, who loved his  
footwear?  
   
JAI and CARSON raise their hands and nod. TED and THOM look at each other and shrug.  
   
They settle on the couch to watch TEAL’C on the Fab …okay, on the Very Big TV.  
   
TEAL’C is getting undressed and preparing to hop in the shower. The camera gets a shot of him naked, from behind.  
   
KYAN:  
That man has some very  
impressive lats.  
   
JAI:  
He’s got very impressive  
everything. They grow ‘em big  
where he came from.  
   
TEAL’C comes out of the shower and commits QE Cardinal Sin #8: dry-shaving. The Fab Five groan.  
   
THOM:  
What is he **thinking**?  
   
CARSON:  
Oh, no, Murray, what are you  
doing?  
   
KYAN:  
(Wincing.)  
We talked about this.  
(To the TV)  
Your skin doesn’t care how  
macho you are!  
   
JAI:  
Well, at least he doesn’t have  
much hair to shave  
   
KYAN:  
Still…he does that every day?  
He must have some amazing  
healing powers for his skin to  
look that good.  
   
TEAL’C puts on moisturizer.  
   
KYAN:  
At least he’s using the product.  
That’s something.  
   
TEAL’C comes out in a towel and begins selecting clothes for the evening.  
   
THOM:  
Um, Ted, should he be changing  
now?  
   
TED:  
Yeah, it’s OK, as long as he’s  
careful. Everything is being  
delivered by a catering company  
except dessert, and he’s making  
that at the table.  
   
TEAL’C picks out a blue shirt with greenish-grey textured striping and jeans.  
   
CARSON:  
Good. That’s a great choice. It  
looks a little dressed up, but  
casual enough for just a few  
friends.  
   
Just as TEAL’C meticulously zhuzhes his sleeves, there’s a knock at the door. It’s a soldier, with a delivery of catered food, and some dishes and silverware on a cart, as well as an alcohol burner and a sautee pan.  
   
KYAN:  
Room service?  
   
THOM:  
That’s it, boys, I’m. enlisting.  
   
TEAL’C sets the table quickly, putting the food on platters and leaving the cart outside. It’s Middle Eastern – a lot of finger food.  
   
JAI:  
Let’s hear it for military  
efficiency.  
   
There is a knock at the door. TEAL’C opens it. It’s SAMANTHA CARTER.  
   
TEAL’C:  
Good evening, Major Carter.  
Please, come in.  
   
She walks in.  
   
CARTER:  
(A little awkward.)  
Thank you, Teal’c. And thanks  
for having us over for dinner.  
It’s very…um…nice of you.  
And…wow! Your place looks  
great!  
   
JAI:  
(hands folded as if he’s praying, staring avidly at the TV)  
Oh, please, say something,  
Murray, say something…  
   
TEAL’C:  
I know you have been working  
for several days on the flux  
inhibitor you discovered  
recently. How has your  
research come along?  
   
JAI:  
(punching his fists in the air)  
YES! That is one open-ended  
question!  
   
CARTER:  
Oh! Well, it’s been really  
interesting. I’ve been trying to  
reverse-engineer it, because the  
technology isn’t entirely familiar.  
   
CARTER descends into tech-babble.  
   
THOM:  
Do you understand a word she’s  
saying?  
   
CARSON:  
Does HE understand a word  
she’s saying?  
   
JAI:  
(still staring at the TV)  
Guys, it doesn’t matter. He  
looks interested, and that’s what  
counts. And look at her. She’s  
glowing! I bet no one asks her  
to talk about her work much.  
   
Another knock. It’s DANIEL JACKSON and COLONEL O’NEILL.  
   
TEAL’C:  
Daniel Jackson. Colonel O’Neill.  
Thank you for joining us.  
   
O’NEILL:  
Yeah, well, free food.  
(Looks around)  
I like what you’ve done with the  
place.  
   
DANIEL:  
Teal’c, this is really…nice! It  
seems really…you. Only…well,  
a lot of your personality seems to  
be showing through, and that’s  
not usually…you.  
   
THOM:  
You think he’s had a lot of  
therapy? Next he’ll be  
congratulating Murry on his  
actualization skills.  
   
CARSON:  
He’s cute as a button.  
(Off THOM’s look.)  
He is! He can drop and give me  
twenty, any day.  
   
TEAL’C:  
I believe it was time for me to  
make a change. I had not  
realized that one could use one’s  
personal appearance or  
decoration as an extension of  
one’s personality. I feel that the  
Fab Five have helped me take  
things to the next level.  
   
DANIEL looks a little taken aback.  
   
JAI:  
(thrilled)  
He’s been studying that book of  
clichés!  
   
KYAN:  
They are really not used to  
seeing him like this. They’re  
sort of trying to catch up to the  
new Murray.  
   
O’NEILL:  
See? I told you I didn’t have to  
feel guilty for turning him in.  
What’s with your sleeves,  
Teal’c?  
   
TEAL’C  
They are  
(beat)  
zhuzhed.  
   
O’NEILL tilts his head and squints one eye.  
   
O’NEILL  
Carter?  
   
CARTER  
I don’t…  
   
DANIEL  
It’s a term for making  
something more aesthetically  
pleasing or fashionable,  
especially popular in the gay  
community. It was originally  
used to refer to the act of styling  
one’s hair, but now it’s used for  
any small changes in appearance.  
   
O’NEILL, CARTER and TEAL’C look at DANIEL’S sleeves, which are, of course, zhuzhed. O’NEILL gives him a “goddamn metrosexual” look.  
   
DANIEL  
What?  
(beat)  
I  am the linguist here.  
   
CARSON  
V.O.  
You can’t fool us, sweetie.  
   
O’NEILL nods and sweeps his arm towards the table.Everyone sits down for dinner. Montage. It is obvious that things are going well.  
   
JAI:  
Look at the way he’s drawing  
them out! They all seem a little  
surprised by it.  
   
TED:  
And he’s having fun flustering  
them. I think he does have a  
sense of humor, after all. It’s  
just very…subtle.  
   
TEAL’C stands up at the end of the table to begin cooking the Bananas Foster.  
   
TEAL’C:  
Ted advised me to cook a  
dessert that was somewhat  
dangerous. I would advise you  
all to step back from the table.  
   
CARTER, O’NEILL and DANIEL take two steps back.  
   
THOM:  
Uh, how dangerous is this?  
   
TED:  
Oh, not hugely. I think he’s  
enjoying showing off.  
   
TEAL’C begins mixing together the ingredients. He stirs in the sugar, the butter and the cinnamon.  
   
DANIEL:  
(To O’NEILL)  
I think the charred salmon  
incident is about to fade into  
obscurity.  
   
TEAL’C pours on the banana liqueur.  
   
O’NEILL:  
Hey, wild salmon can be deadly.  
   
TEAL’C adds the banana slices.  
   
DANIEL:  
Jack, you threw a line in the  
water and fell asleep. Besides,  
I’m talking about your “curtain  
flambé.”  
   
O’NEILL  
(Glaring at him across the table)  
Daniel.  
   
DANIEL:  
Jack.  
   
O’NEILL:  
(Gritting his teeth. Sotto.)  
Daniel, not now. We’re here for  
Teal’c.  
   
JAI:  
Hey, guys, don’t they remind  
you a little of the characters on  
that show,  
“Wormhole X-Treme?” There’s  
the nerdy guy, the short macho  
guy, the smart chick…  
   
CARSON:  
Yeah, but that makes Murray the  
robot.  
   
TED  
Actually, those two remind me  
of my husband and I.  
  
The other four look at him for a moment, thinking about it, and then nod in unison.  
   
ZOOM to the TV as TEAL’C pours in the rum. It’s rather a lot more than TED used.  
   
TED:  
Um, guys? This just got a lot  
more dangerous.  
   
CARSON:  
Oh, no.  
   
THOM:  
Is he going to light his room on  
fire?  
   
TED:  
Probably not. But it’s a good  
thing he’s already bald.  
   
JAI:  
(Covering his face)  
I can’t look.  
   
TEAL’C swirls the rum around a few times, and then tilts the pan. FOOOOOOOM! A big fireball shoots up from the pan and disappears in midair.  
   
JAI:  
(Peeking between his fingers)  
Are they OK?  
   
With a smile, TEAL’C spoons out the bananas into the bowls of ice cream, and then spoons in the sauce.  
   
CARTER:  
Wow, Teal’c, I’m going to have  
to have dinner with you more  
often!  
   
The giant TV turns off.  
   
KYAN:  
He really does know how to  
follow orders. The only big  
mistake was the dry-shaving  
thing, and we didn’t really go  
into detail about that.  
   
TED:  
And there was the thing with the  
Bananas Foster…  
   
JAI:  
I think he might have done that  
on purpose.  
   
THOM:  
You think?  
   
JAI:  
Well, we talked about how he  
seems to like throwing people a  
little off-balance. He knew we  
were watching. I think that was  
for our benefit.  
   
CARSON:  
That girl he had there seemed  
kind of interested, when he  
started asking her questions. Do  
you think there was a little spark  
there?  
   
KYAN:  
She did say she wanted to have  
dinner with him more often – and  
I don’t think it was just the food.  
   
JAI:  
So, what do you guys think?  
   
TED, THOM, CARSON, KYAN:  
Mission accomplished!  
   
Shot of their glasses, all clinking together.  
   
END. 

 

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**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to: Hakamadare and Deirdre for the beta, and Quinnclub for the Hammond and for giving me a few much-needed jokes.


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